Please read this, believe this, believe in who you are.

I want to start with a question. What are you good at? Now, I know that these things you are good at, is something that probably makes who you are, who you want to be, who you like to be and the most important thing.. this is the thing that describes YOU. This is your dream, you probably want to accomplish it.

But do you now why it's hard ? Do you know why you're not there yet? Why it feels like you will never reach to that point when you are living your dream? Why you always lose the spirit in you, and give up..

Because you don't believe in yourself. You did once, but maybe not anymore. You know why? Cuz you let those people in your life. Those people that decides over you. People that you believe in instead of believing in yourself. You let them make your plans, you let them make you one of them. You just let them destroy everything you tought about yourself, everything you believed in. You let them make you forget WHO YOU ARE.
They change you! and you change youreself to fit in. They make you believe that it's wrong to not be like everybody else, to be different. You lose your selfesteem, you change yourself to be one of them, you try to be as close as possible to what is "normal". You are not YOU anymore, you are like them and they are like you.

This happend to me, and I know it has happened to alot of people. I let people change me, I let people make me to think I'm something im not, I let people give me so low selfesteem that I didn't have any.
I was different as a child, I have always been the kid from another country. People said to other people "don't hang out with her, she is from Russia, she is diffirent" Before I started school I was ME. I yet had no idea that this small thing, that I am from Russia would change my life. It will haunt me everytime I go to school, it will give me no selfesteem at all.

 Now that's what happend. I started school and it began. People started to look at me different , I was not one of them. I was Russian. If I did something wrong, I sometimes got to hear something like "f*cking Russian" It felt like I had no one. I started to pray at night. God, why did you let me be born in a Russian family, why did you want me to have blood from a "monsterland", I am so bad, please make me be born again, in a "normal" family , I don't want people to hate me, I don't want to be a "monster" , I prayed almost every night. I always paniced if my mother or father called me if I was among other people, I didn't want them to know I speak russian, this language is wrong (I tought). I ran far away to answer, sometimes I just didn't answer. If I would have the currage to take someone to my house, I worried so much about that someone would hear me talk to my parents, or my parents talking to each other.
I lied alot about myself to.. I said that I can't speak any Russian.. I said I've never been there.. and that Im not completely Russian.. I was so ashamed of myself. But WHY? I didnt do anything wrong?

Why am I telling you this ? Because I let everyone change me, who I am. I hated my thick hair, my eyebrows which were a little darker and thicker than everybody elses, my skintone, the diffirent look in my face.. everything. I changed everything, because I wanted to fit in, I wanted people not to notice that I'm from another country, I didn't want to be different. I dyed my hair so blond, that it almost fell of, I liked it when it fell of, cuz my hair whas so thick. I covered my whole face with alot of make up, I picked almost all of my eyebrows.. I did alot to not look different. I felt like I needed to be an easy girl .. because I really liked it when somebody liked me, I tought that I need to be like this so someone would like me. so I became who I pretended to be. Somebody Im not, to get boys to notice me, everyone to notice me. And I really tought they did.... but no.. false rumors started about me, everything became worse, now it feels like I just have been used.

This was my project. It took all of my time, I didn't have time for school, and back then my selfesteem was so low, so I thought I knew, that I was bad in school, so there is no point of trying. I became more and more like a joke to people. "Sonja is this blond girl.." Yeah.. I let people describe who I am.. and I became this role, more and more.. this role that everybody made up. I let them change me.

Why Im telling you this? My dream was to become a doctor. To help people, to save lives. When I was a kid, i knew that's who I am, it was that thing that would describe later who I am. My dream. But because of all of this that had gotten between, all things that made my selfesteem just die, I gave up. Because I did not fight enough, I was weak. I didn't believe in myself. Becoming a doctor got more like a joke to me than a dream.

But you now what? One day I just said to myself, you know what! STOP THIS. STOP listening to bad things about you, STOP playing this role, now! You have been this person, who is not you, for a long time now. YOU  CAN DO THIS SONJA, YOU CAN TAKE BACK WHO YOU ARE AND FIGHT, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AGAIN, FIGHT FOR YOUR DREAM. And that's what I did. And I know, it won't be easy, it won't always go my way, sometimes everything will fall apart. But the difference now is that, when it does fall apart, I will have the strenght to build it up again because I believe in myself. I am not stupid, I am not weak, I am not easy , I am not a joke and I am definetly proud to have Russian blood inside of me!

If I can do it, if other people can do it, you can do it too! If you have a dream, don't let anyone take it away from you in any kind of way! Don't be ashamed of yourself, because of who you are inside, the power of your soul, that's the most powerful strenght you've got. So use it, you can become anything you want, put up a goal. Is it to fight your drinking or drug problem? Is it to become a musician, is it to be very good at your job, or to do better at school? Whatever your dream is, you can do it! Don't be involved with people that stop your dream, if you're unsecure about your friends, don't be, because there will be alot of new friends, who will believe in you, who will help you believe in yourself. I know that. I've already got those friends, those beautiful people. So read the beginning questions again, and start today. Start to make your way to your dream !

Be you.